Other people’s misery. It sucks, right? There is nothing duller than a casual acquaintance whinging to you about why they are so fed up, especially if they’re not really sure. Then they’ll have to list every little grievance and slight, just to make sure they’ve covered everything.
And you’ll feel beholden to try and cheer them up, and point out where and how their misery is misplaced, and all the good things they have going on in their lives… It’s exhausting! And the stupid thing is they don’t even believe you. All your best efforts will not alter their mood in the slightest. They will continue to wallow in their misery until they somehow eventually hoick themselves out of it…
And that’s why you haven’t heard from me recently. If there’s anything worse than being miserable, it’s sharing it with the world. So I’ve kept my head down. I’ve resisted the urge to blog miserable, self-indulgent posts, fishing for compliments and encouragement. I’ve kept a low profile until I began to claw my way out of the wretchedness and restore my equilibrium.
But for the past week I have been going around like a bear with a sore head, inwardly growling and grumbling about every little thing. Other people’s happiness annoyed me. Facebook friends celebrating their wonderful happy families infuriated me. Indie author friends’ successes and optimism irritated me.
The nadir came yesterday when I suffered a wonderful dream in which my hopelessly stiff, painful, still-undiagnosed-after-ten-years back was suddenly cured. I could tip my head back and look at the ceiling! I could turn it to the side and look at people beside me without turning my entire torso! Amazing! I woke to a bleak, rain-swept morning, the usual pain twisting down my side, and thought, Fuck this. Fuck it all.
There is such pressure to be happy at New Year; to celebrate; to toast your successes and look forward to greater achievements to come. And there is pressure when you’re out in public – as you are as the author of a blog (however modest its readership) – to always find the positive spin. As I noted in one of my earliest posts, you can’t over-estimate the importance of perceived success. No matter what set-backs you encounter, how much indifference and hostility; how much effort is simply wasted – you always have to find a way to make it sound good. It can be exhausting, both mentally and emotionally.
I have done no social networking or any author related stuff over Christmas – not because I’m on holiday, but because I felt I had nothing left to give. No encouragement, no optimism, no interest in other people’s achievements. All I felt was bitterness. I considered faking it, just to keep up relationships. But I couldn’t be bothered. And after a while I didn’t even see the point.
I can see my misery in a more objective light now that I’ve turned the corner. There really wasn’t any good reason for it. No crisis; to trolling, no one star review, no slapped wrist or mean encounter. It was more an accumulation of little set-backs and disappointments, both in my personal life and as an author.
But in fact, in the run up to christmas I had quite a few positive encounters. Online friends became real world friends. I enjoyed a cup of tea and a natter with promoter of all things lovely and local, @LongEatonLife. I met up with Amanda Penman, and will be the featured author in the first edition of Artsbeat, her new Derby based arts magazine, hitting the shelves mid-January.
I have irons in the fire. I have plots thickening.
I took a stall at a craft fair in Derby selling Darklands the saturday before Christmas. I didn’t really know what to expect. My biggest fear was that my stall would be empty, the crowds giving it a wide and suspicious berth.
As it happens, there were no crowds. The event was a complete wash out. Barely 200 people came through the doors all day. That’s the official figure, so bound to be inflated. I and my stall companion trotted in and out of the venue several times, and no doubt got counted each time.
I sold five books. That barely covered my stall cost, never mind the all day parking, or the table cloth and fire-retardent spray I’d had to buy at the last minute because the organisers changed their bloody minds about what they were supplying (grr).
So, financially a disaster. And yet… I sold five books to an audience of less than 200 people. That’s actually pretty good. The stall beside me had ONE customer all day. The stall holder on the other side said she had just covered her costs. Every stall holder I spoke to was bitterly disappointed by the turn out, and not making any money. Those who do it regularly assured me it was not at all a typical event, and I shouldn’t let it discourage me.
I set out writing this post in a slightly grudging manner. My mood had lifted enough to think it was worth writing a bah-humbug, it’s-okay-to-be-miserable-occasionally piece. But the process of writing it has actually altered my mood. I’m feeling… okay again. Back to normal. Ready to get back on that horse, knowing it will throw me again, and ready for all its devious horse tricks.
It is okay to be miserable now and then. It’s okay to fail. Of course it is! If you never fail you are obviously not trying anything challenging enough. Maybe it’s even okay to harbour the odd uncharitable thought about those who are doing better than you, or those whose success you can’t understand.
It’s okay to lick your wounds and feel sorry for yourself – just for a little while. Just to get it out of your system – like having a good cry occasionally. Only once you’ve acknowledged whatever crisis is chewing at you, given up trying to keep it buttoned down, given up trying to be strong for everyone else – then you can begin to see past it, and start dragging yourself out from under its shadow.
I’m no expert, but I know this is one of the busiest times of year for the Samaritans. I know a lot of people are trying really hard to keep it together for the sake of their friends and families. I know some people are preparing to go to parties tonight, because they think they have to – but they are dreading it; dreading having to be cheerful and friendly and gregarious all night.
If you feel that your supplies of bon-homie are running low, then my advice to you would be not to broadcast your misery to an indifferent crowd of online acquaintances, but to find those true and trusted friends who can actually help.
The way I eventually turned my corner was painfully, embarrassingly simple. I talked to my boyfriend about how I was feeling. That’s it. Everything began to get better immediately. It’s not even about someone else having the answers. It’s about them listening to you and caring.
I hope you have someone – or some many! – in your life who can fulfil that role.
Wishing the world a peaceful and sane New Year.